Thursday, August 30, 2012

August 30, 1996 - 16 years ago today..

I hear this loud ring of a bell near my ear. My brain is cloudy, muddled and foggy with sleep which had not come to easy last night. I look at the clock. “It's only 5AM” I thought, “who would call me so early?” OH I moan because I am not a morning person...and last night had NOT been a good night of sleep. I had tossed and turned after hearing such bad news from Arizona. 

 In the early evening my son, Shawn called me to tell me that he had talked to his dad. He said "Mom I got some bad news.."   Gary had gotten call from Rick Grabowski who told him that our friend Tom Hudock was dead. They had found him in his truck in the desert after being missing for a few days. It was suicide. He took his own life. He and Marilyn were separated and I knew things had gotten bad but..... 

Gabe and Tom
I immediately started making phone calls to our friends to find out more. The news was sad and I was brokenhearted for my friend, Marilyn and her son Dusty. I just could not wrap my arms around it.  Why would Tom do this? Tom and Marilyn were my staunch supports thru my divorce. They lived three doors west of me and we did a lot together, Me, Tom and Marilyn. Silly things like flea markets and garage sales on Saturday mornings, hamburgers at the neighborhood burger joint anytime of the day or night and dirt track midget car racing in the desert on Saturday night, watched movies and walked in our neighborhood. If I needed to go to the grocery store, I called Marilyn to see if she needed anything and she did the same...We shopped together for years....Oh we had fun..I have many, many funny stories to put on paper someday of those days...
Sharon, Gabe, Leah Marilyn
My thoughts were spinning wildly in my head as I tried to process what had happened. And at sometime later in the evening, wondered if there would be a way to get to Arizona. “I will look into that”, I thought “tomorrow!” I cried, I laughed and I cried some more...just boys were each on there own and living in other my grief was all my own. Greg did not know Tom and Marilyn. Oh, he had met them once when he came to visit me...but he did not know them. They were from my “previous” life that he was not apart of.

At some point in the evening, I realized, “oh shit, I did not call Dad...It's his birthday and I should have called him.” then I cried some more. I decided that I could not call him today and tell him what I knew.  First off, I would burst into tears as soon as I heard his voice.. Now that would be a great birthday greeting wouldn't it! Mom and Dad knew my friends from down the street after years of visiting us in the winter. I just could not tell him that Tom had died much less any of the circumstances which surrounded his death SO I would wait to talk to him tomorrow. I knew that he would totally understand why I waited!
OH, my brain finally seems to's the phone is's 5 AM and the phone is ringing. Wake up and answer it, Jan. I pick up the phone and I hear crying. “Who is this,” I think at first... Then I realize it is Pam and what is she saying...”he gone, whose gone? What, Dad? NO, NO, NO....that can't be I cried...I did not get to talk to him yesterday..” I cried, and cried and cried some more...

It is funny how the brain thinks when you are consumed with grief.  It runs, as God designed, on auto pilot. My thought was “I guess I won't be going to Arizona after all....Wow, how surprised Dad will be when Tom is there to greet him! "

Love, Jan

No comments:

Post a Comment